shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
