Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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