She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
