he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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