I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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