maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
