final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
