I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
