areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
