I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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