Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
