she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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