dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
