I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
