Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
