Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.