The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
