I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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