Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was CRYING into my vagina
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
