Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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