i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
