So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
