I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
