I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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