I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
