I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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