how can u be prego again
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
