I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
