At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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