if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
