Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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