He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
