Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
