omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
