just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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