She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
