My friends, they love my intelligence
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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