ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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