Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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