i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
