i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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