True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
