This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
