Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
