I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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