Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
