If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
