Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
