Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
