I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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