Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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