Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
