I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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