Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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