I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
