My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
