i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This baby is an asshole
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
