I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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