Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Randomize
