i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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